I finished Mixtape late Sunday night, and almost immediately, it hit me with a feeling I hadn’t thought about in years.
Not nostalgia, exactly. Nostalgic regret for an easier time? Maybe. Anyway, it’s messy, and this was inspired by this thread I made Sunday morning on Bluesky.
DISCLAIMER: I didn’t get one of those sweet press kits for writing this. Or even the game!
I didn’t grow up in the Pacific Northwest. I grew up with an older sibling, but not one who was cool and introduced me to sweet music. This gal grew up in a small town where the local radio station played almost exclusively country music alongside high school sporting events, there was corn in every direction, and my greatest source of pride was being the smartest kid in class.
I was an awkward kid. Insanely awkward.
The kind of awkward where, yes, I once fell up stairs on my way to an English class in college. You read that correctly. Gravity decided it wasn’t for me that day.
But that unfortunate event is not where this story starts. This goes back to 2001, when fourteen-year-old me read The Perks of Being a Wallflower for the first time, and like so many people my age, one paragraph lodged itself permanently into my brain:
“This one moment when you know you’re not a sad story. You are alive. And you stand up and see the lights on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder. And you’re listening to that song, and that drive with the people who you love most in this world. And in this moment, I swear, we are infinite.”
At the time, I understood what Charlie meant, academically speaking. I knew what he was describing from the context of the moment. But I hadn’t actually lived it yet. I couldn’t fully grasp it. I wasn’t sure if I’d be around long enough to feel it myself.
But I stuck around, and I did, eventually.
Years later, standing in the quad at the University of Minnesota Morris during finals week, staring up at the stars while building snowmen with people from my dorm floor. Morris is a small town. There was no light pollution, so you could really SEE the stars. It was cold outside, after all, it was December.
We were exhausted, delirious, and entirely too emotional in the way only college students panicked about finals could be.
Looking at those people around me, looking at the sky, I finally knew, so I shouted it to the stars above me.
“I AM INFINITE!”
This was 2005, long before the movie adaptation of Wallflower existed, though thankfully, there were enough English majors around that I didn’t sound completely unhinged.
Mostly.
That’s the feeling Mixtape captures so well so far. Not just youthful rebellion or music-driven nostalgia, but that strange, electric moment in early adulthood where your entire life feels poised on the edge of becoming something bigger.
Where you’re terrified, embarrassed, overdramatic, hopeful, and absolutely certain that the world is about to crack open for you.
Was nineteen-year-old me cringey? Dear God, you have no idea.
Was she awkward? Beyond belief. (See the story about falling UP the stairs earlier in this post.)
Is Mixtape a little cringey and awkward too?
Honestly, yes. But that’s part of why it works.
Because growing up is awkward. Friendship is awkward. Becoming yourself is awkward. There’s a sincerity to those years that can feel embarrassing in hindsight, but also deeply beautiful. The music in Mixtape may not be universal. You may not have lived that exact life, listened to those exact songs, or known those exact people.
But the emotions?
I’d bet you’ve felt them before.
That ache to leave home and be that person you’ve only dreamed of. The desperate hope that your life is finally about to begin. The feeling of standing under a huge night sky with people you love and realizing, however briefly, that you are exactly where you’re supposed to be.
And in that moment, maybe you were infinite too.
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